I said, I will never fall and then I jumped off the cliff!

"Vikash!"

I was on my way to hostel, when I heard a female voice calling me by my name. I was scared the moment I heard her. No, not because I am not good at talking with girls, but I know whose voice was that. How could I not, she is the one I have always dreamed for, the one to whom I always thought of talking too, the only one I wish to be in my life, the only one who comes in my dream every night. The only fairy in my life. And why she was there, because she might have read the poem I had written for her last night. She might have liked it. May be she want to talk to me.

We were standing in front of the library.

I turned to face the challenge ahead. Yeah challenge, it's been the real challenge tonight how I will handle the situation. It's been the first time in almost two years when she herself has came to talk to me and it could be the last. Something was going to happen soon.

"Yaar, I am tired of all these things. Please stop writing me." She said with a little smile on her face. Her words doesn't seem to match her expression. Not even close.

She stared at me for sometime hoping that I would say something. When i didn't answer she said,

"I don't want to be in these things. I am here to study. You too must concentrate on your subjects. Ok!"

Stupid say something. She is talking to you.

What? Oh, what should I say?

Anything! Just says something.

What?

What, what? Are you dumb? Just say something, she won't be there talking to you all night.

My mind, why can't it shut up? I want to concentrate here. I don't want to understand what he is saying. The gorgeous looking so beautiful, did I ever imagine her, talking to me like this, that too in real. God, I will go mad.

I wish I could somehow capture this moment or could hold it; I would have never let it escape. I would have captured it forever. And I wish I could capture her image forever in my eyes. I want to have her forever in my life. Oh God! Is it really happening! Is she really there talking to me? I can't believe she is in-front of me. I hope this not like the every other time when she talks to me, in my dreams.

What are you thinking? Do it now.

"Sorry!"

Sorry, what does that mean Idiot?

What does that mean! You said say something. So, I did.

"Sorry, what does that mean?"

See!

"Just stop writing to me...... Ok!!!" Her voice suddenly angry, like she didn't expected the way I responded to her or said sorry????

"Sorry." I said again, unable to think what to do or to say.

Crap!

You are an idiot.

Yeah, right. I am really an idiot.

She walked away saying those last words.

What should I do now?

Go, Idiot. Ask her for something else.

Something, what something?

Anything! Ask her if you could be her friend. Just talk to her.

Go now!

I ran only to catch her in the middle of the way to her Bhavan, in-front of SBI. I said, more precisely pleaded.

"Hey, excuse me, please stop"

She stopped.

"Please stop." I said again.

"Hm Hm ......"

"Bolo." She said softly.

"Can't we be friends?"

Her lips moved.

Isn't she amazing? I won't lose you. I won't let you make me lose you. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. It will be better if I die if I can't make you mine.

"No!" She said.

"Why?" I asked her though knowing what her answer would be.

"Do we know each other?" She said diplomatically.

"No!"

"Did we ever had a conversation before?"

"No!"

"So, How come we can be friends?"

"I can't be friend with anyone."

Crap! Now, I am anyone. Yaar, I love you. I love you like nothing else in my life. You are my life now. Look in my eyes, why do you think I am waiting for you only. Can't you understand it!

"Why?" I asked again.

"What why? It's my life. I can do whatever I want to."

"Yeah, sure it's your!"

Then she turned to move away and I turned heading towards my hostel. When I reached there, I realized.

She came there to know me. She gave me a chance and what did I do? I threw it away. God save me. I must talk to her in the morning.

Continued......

I tried to end it but it helped me to survive

I tried to stop thinking of you,

To stop this pain,

I thought this would be life,

I was dying the instant I tried.

I tried to lie, that I can forget you,

It went worse; you are now all over my mind.

Then I screamed, that I am ok without you,

It came out wrong; I said I am still waiting for you sunshine.

I tried to fill your heart with my love,

Though it was empty, still everything was spilling over.

So I asked god to help me, I asked him to make you mine,

He smiled and said I can't help you with this, it's her life and it's for her to decide.

I was looking in a mirror,

I saw you there, you were smiling, and you look beautiful as ever.

I tried to come over it, I tried to cry,

Your memories showed up, piercing my heart still making me smile.

Once I even tried to hate you,

But it ended even before it could survive,

Instantly, I close my eyes to see you one more time,

Now, I never ever wanna open them; I wanna be with you every single second, every time.

I tried to end it,

I tried to die.

I end up with living with your dreams,

You became my life.

Now, Though I am tired and I want it to over,

And my mind says it can't take it anymore.

Still I love you like never before,

My heart says, I want to love you even more.

He says, he knows she will understand it sometime,

It's just, she can't do it now, she need some time,

She will ultimately be mine.

Living in dreams-IV The other me

She is there in every tick of my life, every bit of a second, every air I breathe and every bit of me. I sense her in the music I hear, I see her when I close my eyes and sometimes when they are open and still I wait so eagerly for the dawn to happen every day, for the night to come and engulf me so that I could dream her once again, to hear the melody in her voice again.

I was standing in the shadow somewhere I don’t remember. It’s hard to think of anything else when she is in-front of me. Everything just melts down in the background.

“Oh boy!” I said mesmerized watching her again, like every other time I see her.

“God, she is amazing!” A voice said instantly and I turned in a hurry to see who is standing behind me and looking at her.

He was exactly like me. My forehead twisted in surprise as if they were telling him that they don’t like his presence here.

“Oh, calm down calm down......I am just the other you.”

“Other you.....what does that mean?”

“Other you mean........other you....” He said while looking at me and paused to know if I understood or not. When i didn't answer he said.

"...I mean I am part of you and.......”

He continued.

“I was just eager to know about the girl you see and talk in your head all the time.”

“And so i thought i should come with you here. That’s it!"

“Oh! .....Ohk!”

“So why are you standing here. I mean, she is waiting.”

“Hmmm...... It’s kind of weird. I don't know if you will understand."

"Oh, Atleast try it!"

"Hmmm...... She laugh at me when I looks at her for so long sometimes without even acknowledging it. So I thought I should stay here for some time and see her.”

“She is so beautiful and.....”

"Yeah she is!"

"Hey! Don't do it. I don't like anyone else looking at her. Not even you."

"Ohk Ohk, I am sorry!" He said raising his hand defensively and continued.

"I won't! So you were saying something."

"Yeah!"

And I fell in thoughts again . Words just can’t put the way I feel it here, inside, still my lips sometimes do find something to make it even for the moment, to make that instant survivable.

“....I wish if my eyes could speak for themselves, what they feel when they see her or if she could read my eyes by herself......”

“Wow!”

He smiled at me.

“It’s real pain.” I said and continued.

“.....still beautiful and worth to endure and you could have felt it in my thoughts by now.”

He smiled while shaking his head again.

“So ........ What are you going to do?”

“I don’t have any idea. I mean, I am not sure of anything else except......... I will love her forever.” I said not knowing what else to say.

“How do you know you will?”

“How do you know when you are in love or who loves you? You just know that she is the one and you don’t know why you believe it”

“You just somehow feel it, and......... And you know that you love her and you can’t skip thinking her for something, anything at all.”

“Hey, I better go now.”

"Yeah, right!"

“Ok, Bye!”

"Bye"

I went slowly towards her with smile in my face.

“Hey beautiful! Sorry I am late”

“Where were you? I am waiting for so long.” She asked with hoaxy anger in her voice.

Continued.........

Living in dreams-III A Fairy in the Fog

It was all white and invisible. I barely knew where i was heading too. I was all alone in the middle of nowhere.

"Where am i?"

As soon as i said that, a voice echoed into my ears.

"Hey!"

I looked in the direction of words. I saw a girl standing in front me. She was all white from top to bottom with a mask on her face hiding everything except her eyes that too behind a porous frame. Like the fairy in the fairy tales.

With a pleasant smile and surprise in her eyes, she asked,

"Who are you?"

"Me!!....Hmmm!"

I was surprised to see her. I wasn't expecting anyone else.

"You don't belong here. Do you?" She said in her soft inquiring voice.

"Well.... neither seems you", I replied.

"Of course I do! I live here."

"I am Wish fairy."

"What? ...... You are a.......Wish fairy."

"Why? .....Don't you believe in fairies?"

Her face flashes in front of my eyes; my lips becomes live with crooked smile and i said in a low voice more to myself.

"Yeah, I do."

"So....What are you doing here?"

"I am waiting for my girlfriend."

She laughed.

"What?" I asked her in inquiring expression.

"What is her name?"

"Shalu!"

As soon as i said her name, my body felt the shivering. Her name is the most beautiful word in my life. Those five letters brings smile on my lips. I could live for lives with that one name in my life and if required i could die for her in every life, anytime.

"Do you...ahem.....love her?"

I sensed, she was still smiling swiftly. I moved my eyes closer to her. I was serious.

"You tell me ......you are a fairy .....What do you think?"

She looked in my eyes and then turned her faces away, sighing to see in them again.

"Yeah! ..... you do."

"So, tell me about your girl."

There are two situations when a person seems to be in utter confusion. One is when he doesn't have anything to say and the other when he doesn't have anything else to say. Though, the train had already been lost thousand times by now and here it goes one more time.

I managed to say something finally.

"Her eyes....." I sighed.

"What about them?" She asked with curiosity in her voice. I looked towards her.

" ..... They are the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. When i look into them i feel.....like...like i am immortal.... everything else looks so fake......"

I continued.

"........the gravity they have ....you looses your hold on yourself. It's like they have the power to hypnotize......you feel like if there is a heaven somewhere, then this is it, right here.....in front of you...in them..... And you don't want to let it go..... And even if you want to, you can't......You think you miss it now and you might probably not get any other chance to see her again"

It was almost like she was in front of me. I was visualizing every moment, every bit of it, untill she interjected in between and wake me back.

".....Tell me more about her......"

I looked towards her in curiosity.

"I mean anything else. Like.....how she looks like and all."

"I know two fairies now." I said.

"What? .... Oh! ..... and......"

She sat beside me asking me to say something more about her. I was quite surprised why she is so interested in it. And i was so happy that someone finally wants to listen to me, what i all have in my heart for her. Even i wasn't sure how many earth would get destroyed by the time i will be able to explain everything about her, her beauty, everything, and i wondered if there was any end to it at all.

I continued.

"......She is beautiful like a rainbow. She is the most beautiful creation of god, most astonishing too. Her lips looks like when the sun fades down to sea leaving behind a dull pinkish red tint........"

".......Her hair....... the shadow of her hair even more peaceful than shadow of a tree......more striking than clouds......."

"..........She is my heartbeat...my passion...my craze...my....." I paused and looked towards her to meet her eyes.

".......everything."

"When i see her i feel life......."

"......Then, I feel life to be worthy to live......When i pray, i beg god to make her mine........."

".......She is my angel, my fairy......i am empty without her. If she won't be there i would be pleased to meet death anytime. It won't be life then. If i would be asked to remember anything, she is the one."

"I wish i could Love you!"

"What?"

I was surprised by this uneven reaction.

She came near to me and said, "Don't love me like this."

"What are you talking about?"

She removed her mask and i realized she was her. She was so close to me i could sense her heartbeat. I could see the gold flowing out from dark diamond eyes.

"Don't love me like this!" She said again.

Tears fell from my eyes too.

"I can't help it........."

".......You are everywhere in me and you will remain......always. I love you......"

".......It is the only truth i know now."

I tried to change the subject.

"So........you are a Wish fairy"

"I wish, I could be one!"

She is always a fairy to me. But the way she said those word, pierced my heart to the core. I couldn't suppress my urge to ask her about it.

"Why?"

"Then i could make your wish true." She was looking in my eyes, towards me.

"It doesn't matter. I still love you."

"I know you will say that."

"Yeah, sure, you do."

I smiled.

She said, "Let me take you to a place."

I asked "Where?"

She smiled, "You will see!"

And then we went in dark fog in silence.